Faced with mounting concern at home over his tenuously-justified war in Iraq, President Bush has interrupted his summer holiday (currently forecast to end sometime next spring) to call for support for further and even less well justified pre-emptive invasions.
“America will not wait to be attacked again,” he told families of soldiers serving in Iraq. “I’m impatient.”
“As I always say, it’s better to get in first and worry about the consequences later. The problem is, we’re not sure which country is going to be next.”
To rapturous applause from one member of the audience – Mrs Brenda Shuttleworth – Mr Bush announced a new competition to decide which lucky country would play host to the next American invasion and distraction from Iraq. Nicknamed “Invasion Idol”, the contest will begin with 30 countries, which will be narrowed down to a shortlist of ten through a telephone vote.
A live final will be broadcast around the globe as America votes off each of the ten until a winner is found. One viewer will also have the chance to launch the first missile – sponsored by Ford – against the chosen country.
Speaking later, Doug Ramsbottom, one of the consultants on the project, said that special care had been taken to ensure that only Americans could vote. “We were concerned that we might get a lot of calls from a country hoping we’d invade one of its enemies,” he said. “For that reason we had to take France off the shortlist, because we can hardly ask the Brits to help us invade England. Although they probably would.”
A spokesman for the White House denied that Invasion Idol trivialised American foreign policy to the point where it resembled sticking a pin in a map. “Anyone who has sat in on one of the President’s foreign policy meetings will know that this is a fairly insignificant change in the run of things,” he said.