Queen sues dentist

[inline:1]The Queen of England is to sue an emergency dentist whose impromptu surgery left her mouth looking like a point-blank shotgun wound in the side of a fat man. Botched attempts at repair only served to exacerbate the situation, and her majesty now bears a distinct resemblance to a half-staked vampire.

The Queen was attending a buffet fundraiser for a charity that stops dogs dying when a sesame seed slipped between her teeth. After twenty minutes of trying to remove the sesame seed with her tongue, the Queen became frustrated, and offered Derbyshire to the brave soul who would enter her mouth and retrieve the golden seed. After a disappointing initial response, she offered to throw in a picture she had drawn of Elton John.

The only offer was from a drunken chiropodist, who has admitted since the event that he may have overestimated the force required to remove the seed. "You know that twisted logic you get when you’re drunk - I just went Zen for a moment and figured that maybe the seed wasn’t the problem. Perhaps the problem was the teeth. So I stuck a plastic fork up her gums and prised them all out, mistaking her regal whimpering for moans of approval. My wife, who was drunker than myself, suggested I quickly murder one of the dogs at the event and stick it's teeth in the Queen's mouth. I should, at this point, mention again how drunk I was, and that I am not really a dentist."

The Queen took the incident in her stride. "Anyone can make a mistake," she said into a glass jar, before screwing the lid on and handing the jar to our reporter. "But this is worth around ten thousand pounds. And the day ten thousand pounds isn’t worth suing a chiropodist for, well, that’s the day I get my face taken off the stuff."