[inline:1]The Queen of England is to sue an emergency dentist whose impromptu surgery left her mouth looking like a point-blank shotgun wound in the side of a fat man. Botched attempts at repair only served to exacerbate the situation, and her majesty now bears a distinct resemblance to a half-staked vampire.
It's a dangerous world we live in. Every day doctors release startling new reports about stuff that can kill us. Fortunately, we are also bombarded with news about medical breakthroughs guaranteed to help us avoid the discomfort and inconvenience of premature death.
After nearly 25 years in the private sector, British Telecom announced yesterday that the company had achieved one of its major targets by confirming its fifth satisfied customer.
BT Customer Donald Mullet, who runs the home-based 'Mullet Cricket Bat Recycling Company' in Accrington, said: "I am over the moon that my business can now receive phone calls. Pretty soon we hope to add fax and even email. Best of all I only had to wait in for two weeks for the engineer to arrive, and there was me thinking that it might be three weeks!"